[chapter eleven]
(Several days later)
Caitlin turned up the volume on her radio, hoping to distract herself from
the butterflies in her stomach. As Staind blared from her Blazer's speakers,
she tried to focus on the road and the music, rather than her destination.
Turning onto the shady street, she took a deep breath and within moments was pulling into JC's driveway. She had resolved that today she would tell JC about her decision about touring with the group in the next few months. And even though she had faith in her decision, she was nervous.
Pulling her backpack from the passenger seat, she locked the doors to the Blazer and walked to the front door. JC had the entire afternoon and evening off, and had planned to devote as much time as possible to sleeping, working on some lyrics and attempting to clean his house. Caitlin had been working most of the day, but when JC promised to spend the entire evening pampering her, she couldn't resist. Without ringing the bell, she walked into the front door and began to giggle when she saw JC frantically picking up scattered papers, cups, clothes and everything else that had found a place on the floor or furniture of the family room.
"Sweetie?" She called as she walked in. "Do you need some more time to do your speed-cleaning routine?" She teased.
"Okay, I didn't realize the time. Sorry, sorry. I meant to have the place sparkling before you got home from work." JC apologized with a grin.
"S'okay." Caitlin said, walking over and planting a kiss on his lips. "I don't mind the mess as long as you're here."
"In that case…" JC threw the handful of papers and clothes he had behind him, causing a brand-new mess, and wrapped his arms around her, returning the kiss. "How was your day, baby?" He asked huskily, nibbling on her earlobe.
"Just got better." She replied with a slow smile.
"Well, it's about to get a bunch better." JC said proudly. "I'm taking care of dinner, drawing you a bath and giving you a massage. And anything else you want."
"Anything?" Caitlin teased, raising an eyebrow.
"Sure." JC replied, grinning.
"Throw away the couch?" Caitlin asked, pointing to the orange monstrosity.
"Nice try." JC said. "Ready for dinner?"
"Did you cook it?" Caitlin asked skeptically.
"Nope." JC replied. "Do I ever?"
"Serve it up." Caitlin said laughing, taking his hand and walking towards the dining room.
***
Caitlin sank further into the enormous tub in the master bathroom and inhaled deeply. After dinner, JC had drawn a bath for Caitlin and poured in copious amounts of her favorite bath salts. Vowing to return after he made some phone calls, he had left her to her own devices.
And her own thoughts, she reminded herself.
She had definitely decided not to tour with the group over the summer. Her job was too important, bills had to be paid, and she couldn't imagine being so powerless over her environment. Just like Chris had told her, everything was taken care of-where they slept, what they ate, what times they had to be everywhere. And then there were the fans…could she truly take being hated by every girl who was in love with JC? How would they treat her? And would she and JC still get along if they had to spend every minute together? All her thoughts swirled as she inhaled the scent of the bubbles again.
She wanted to spend every minute with JC. But on tour? For months? Sitting this tour out seemed like the best idea-and Chris had seconded the idea, which made her feel better. If anyone knew what tour life with a girlfriend was like, Chris did. And she trusted JC not the cheat on her or make a fool out of her. Hearing JC's footsteps approaching the bathroom, she cleared her mind of all her thoughts and smiled when he opened the door.
"Room for one more?" He teased, walking across the tile and kissing her forehead tenderly.
"Feel like reenacting a scene from Out of Sight?" She teased in return. "I'd be happy to pull you in here."
"I'll pass. For now." JC replied, grinning. "I think I'm finally off the phone for the rest of the night, so I'm all yours."
"Well, I think I'm about to turn into a raisin in here, so I'm about ready to hop out. What's next on the "pampering Caitlin" agenda?" She asked with a smile.
"Your choice. Massage? Movie? Sleep?" JC suggested.
"How about this...you scope out the dessert choices in the house while I get dressed, and I meet you on the terrace in a few minutes?" Caitlin said.
"I can't promise much in the dessert department, but that works for me. Don't be long." JC said, leaning over and kissing her softly on the lips.
Fifteen minutes later, Caitlin was just sinking into one of the overstuffed chairs on the balcony when JC emerged from the house bearing a huge bag of M & Ms and two bottles of water. "I told you it was slim pickings." JC explained, sitting beside her and proffering the bag of chocolate.
"As long as it's tasty." Caitlin smiled, grabbing a handful. With a deep sigh, she looked out into the night, pulling the oversize sweatshirt she was wearing down over her bare legs. Her hair, still damp from the bath, clung in ringlets to her scalp, and JC slowly ran his fingers through them, pushing them away from her face tenderly.
"You okay, sweetie?" He asked quietly.
"To be honest, I'm a bit...nervous." Caitlin answered. "I have something to talk to you about."
"What's up?" JC asked, concerned. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. But I've made a decision." Caitlin said.
"About..." JC prompted.
"The tour. It's been tearing me up, but I just...I just can't go with you, honey." Caitlin said sadly. "I'm so sorry."
JC was silent for a few moments, taking in the scenery from the balcony himself. "What made you decide this?" He asked in a low voice.
"Lots of things. My job, for one. The house, my roommates, bills that have to be paid..." Caitlin began.
"I can take care of all of that, you know." JC said tightly. "Pay your bills, make sure your job is there when you get back."
Caitlin shook her head. "I'm sorry, and as tempting as that sounds, no. I'm my own person, JC. I can't have you paving the way for my job or my bills. I'm my own breadwinner, my own independent person. And I'm okay with all of that. Touring sounds exciting, but it also sounds suffocating. I just don't think I'm ready."
"But I need you." JC said in a voice akin to a little boy. "I want you to come with me."
"I know, and I need you too. But this isn't right. Not yet. I talked to Chris about it and..."
JC interrupted. "You talked to Chris about this? Before you even talked to me?"
"Just to get his perspective. I mean, he's been there and done that, with Dani and everything." Caitlin defended.
"What perspective?" JC asked.
"About...about what touring does to relationships and how hard it can be." Caitlin replied. "I don't want to risk anything we have because of the tour."
"Don't you think not going on tour risks it?" JC asked evenly. "How do you know we won't drift apart? Or that we'll not see each much anymore? Or that I'll be faithful to you?" At the last words, Caitlin's head snapped up and her eyes bore into his. His expression softened immediately. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that--it was a low blow."
"Do I have reason to worry about those things?" Caitlin asked quietly. "Tell me now...let's get it all out in the open."
"No, of course you don't. I'm just...frustrated. I was really looking forward to you being there with us. With me. I can't believe how much I'm going to miss you." JC said, contrite.
"I'll miss you too. You know that. But this is a big step. And a big commitment. And I think rather than throwing ourselves into it, you should go, concentrate on the tour and put on the best show possible for your fans. I'll still be here when you get back, you know." Caitlin smiled.
"It's not the same. I've gotten to see you almost every day for the last few months, and suddenly, I won't see you at all." JC said, pouting.
"I'll come visit, silly. If you send me the occasional plane ticket." She joked.
"Absolutely." JC said eagerly. "You could visit every weekend!"
"Why don't we play it by ear? I don't even have my work schedule for the next few months yet." Caitlin countered. "But I'll visit, I promise."
"You're sure about this? That you won't come with us?" JC prodded.
"I'm sure. I don't want to strain our relationship by adding all kinds of factors. And maybe if I saw all your fans surrounding you all the time, I would get more jealous than I would like. It's better this way. It's more normal--you are going away to do a job, and then you will come home and everything will be the way it was." Caitlin reasoned. "I hope."
"I'd be the same person on the tour or not." JC countered.
"No, you wouldn't. You couldn't be. And I wouldn't expect you to be." Caitlin said. "Listen to me, I know how much you use the emotional support of the people close to you to give you strength, and that with us getting closer, I'm more of that emotional support than before. But taking me on tour won't make you feel any more secure or strong. You do that on your own. You live for touring. It's your job…go, do it."
"Sounds like you've been reading too many psychology books." JC retorted.
"Actually, Chris is the one who said it. He's very observant of these things. Plus, he actually has the degree in psychology, so..." Caitlin said.
"Figures." JC mumbled.
"What figures?" Caitlin asked.
"That Kirkpatrick put all these ideas in your head. He's just pissy about his breakup with Dani and now doesn't want anyone to be happy." JC said glumly.
"That's not true and you know it. JC, this isn't like you." Caitlin said. "I've made my decision, and I would think rather than blaming Chris or being mad at me, you would be supportive and respect my decision."
They sat in silence as both sorted through their thoughts. Finally, JC turned to Caitlin and took her hand gently in his. "You're absolutely right. I'm sorry. I lost my temper a little there. I'm just really disappointed, but I understand. But don't think you won't be visiting a lot." He said.
"I know that. I can't let you out of my sight for too long with all those teenyboppers, now can I?" Caitlin said teasingly.
"You know you can trust me, right? I would never be unfaithful to you." JC said in all seriousness. "I love you. I would never..."
"I know, Josh. I know."
"What if this changes everything between us?" JC asked softly.
"Well, we'll just have to make sure it doesn't." Caitlin said reasonably. "Right?"
"Right." JC said. "I'm sorry I lost my temper. I'm just disappointed."
"I know. But you can't get rid of me that easily. I'll be around. I can't imagine not seeing Nsync, pop superstars, for weeks at a time." Caitlin said. "Even you." She winked. With that, JC laughed and wrapped his arms around her, sighing deeply, already picturing a tour without Caitlin by his side. Moments later, Caitlin broke the silence again.
"Now, about that massage..." Caitlin saidwith a grin. JC laughed again as he began gently kneading her shoulders.