[chapter twenty-one]
(Back in the van)
Caitlin sighed deeply, letting every ounce of oxygen out of her lungs, then
inhaling deeply again, trying to collect her thoughts. She and Chris had scaled
the fence and returned to the car in silence, the previous glee and freedom
of the evening forgotten. Both were lost in their own thoughts, and both knew
they would have to work things out somehow-but neither wanted to break the
ice. Finally, Caitlin decided she had to take the plunge.
"Okay, I'll go first." She began. "Yes, I care about you. Yes, I've often wondered what sort of couple we would make. No, I didn't know how you felt about me. No, I don't love JC any less. No, we aren't breaking up, that I know of. Yes, I want to work this out between us, because I refuse to lose you as a friend."
Chris absorbed this torrent of information, then turned to look at her. He saw the confusion and anguish in her eyes, and relented in his anger. He was upset with her for selfish, foolish reasons, but seeing her so distraught changed his feelings in a heartbeat. He never meant to hurt Caitlin, but he had to take the chance…knowing that just maybe…she would have felt the same way. Knowing now that she didn't, he was ready to work things through.
"My turn." He said. "I care a lot about you too. I think we would make a kickass couple, but that's sort of irrelevant at this point. You have to understand-I didn't know how you felt about me, so I had to try. I had to find out. It was torture not knowing. Please don't think this was a malicious attempt to break you and C up. It wasn't. That was never my intention."
"I know that." Caitlin said quietly. "I was just so shocked and confused. I shouldn't have snapped at you that way. I was wrong. I'm sorry."
"Me too." Chris whispered. "But I have to ask you something. Just once, and then we'll drop this."
"What's that?" Caitlin asked, turning to face him.
"Why didn't you pull away as soon as I kissed you?" Chris asked so softly, Caitlin had to strain to hear him.
"Shock. Confusion. And, if I were being honest, curiosity. JC has been so strange the last few weeks, I guess I just…I don't know. I don't know." Caitlin answered honestly. "But that doesn't change things."
"I know." Chris said glumly. "It was just a desperate hope, I guess. So, we're cool?"
"I hope so. You mean a lot to me, Chris. I'm not losing our friendship over one little miscue." Caitlin said reasonably.
"Me neither." Chris said. "Just know how sorry I am."
"Me too." Caitlin said.
"Why are you sorry? I'm the screw up here." Chris replied.
"I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I don't feel the same way. I'm just…sorry." She answered. "But thank you...for being so understanding, and so...mature. You continue to amaze me, Chris."
Chris was silent for a few minutes, then turned to Caitlin again. "You going to tell JC?"
Caitlin looked at Chris' profile for a long time as he drove through the night. She weighed the options of telling and not telling JC. Not telling him would save everyone a lot of distress. Telling him would clear the air. Caitlin knew in her heart what she would do.
Chris looked at her, and knew her decision too.
***
Caitlin crept into the darkened hotel room, and closed the door quietly behind her. She could see JC curled up in the middle of the bed, his chest rising and falling with the deep breaths of sleep. She took off her shoes and went into the bathroom, closing the door before she turned on the light. Blinking into the sudden brightness, she looked at herself in the mirror. She looked…tired, confused, stressed. She ran the faucet and splashed some cool water on her face when she heard a knock at the door.
"Sweetie? You home?" JC's sleepy voice asked through the wood door. Caitlin composed her features and opened the door. JC's eyes blinked rapidly when the light hit him, and Caitlin's breath caught. He looked so beautiful, his hair in disarray, his boxers barely hanging onto his lean frame, his features creased with sleep. She felt a wave of betrayal and shame wash over her. She hadn't instigated the evening's events, but she'd participated. And now she would have to confess. But looking into JC's tired eyes, she knew it would wait until morning.
"Why are you awake, honey?" She asked. "Go back to sleep."
"I never sleep well until I know you're home." JC said in explanation. He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. She enclosed his torso with her arms reflexively, and felt his smooth skin against her face as she leaned it against his chest. "You guys have fun?"
"Mm-hm." Caitlin murmured. "We went to Wal-Mart."
"That's good." JC said. "We still on for breakfast?"
"Of course." Caitlin replied softly.
"Okay." JC said. "See you in the morning." He bent his head and pressed his lips to hers, clasped her hands warmly, and stumbled back to bed. Caitlin closed the bathroom door again, and slowly slid down it. She curled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them.
And she wept.
888
"Two cups of coffee, please." JC ordered politely as he and Caitlin slid into the booth of the diner inside the hotel. "You hungry?" He asked Caitlin with a smile, handing her a menu.
Truthfully, food was the last thing on Caitlin's mind, but she went through the motions of ordering breakfast, then sighed heavily as they returned their menus and doctored their coffee.
"So, Wal-Mart, huh? What did you guys buy?" JC asked Caitlin conversationally. "Last time Chris went there, he came out with like, automotive supplies and a pool floatie." He grinned, taking her hand across the table.
"Actually, we bought a disposable camera." Caitlin answered. "We didn't exactly make Wal-Mart our only destination. We drove up to Green Bay and went to Lambeau."
"No way!" JC exclaimed, laughing. "What did you guys do, jump the fence and run around?"
"Pretty much." Caitlin said softly. "It was really neat."
"Well, you've always wanted to go there. I'm sorry I wasn't the one to take you, though." JC said.
"You are quite chipper this morning, Mr. Chasez." Caitlin observed. "Sleep well?"
"I did." JC replied. "And I'm just happy to wake up with my girl in the morning." He said huskily. "I missed you."
"JC..." Caitlin began, unsure how to proceed. He looked at her attentively, giving her a small smile as encouragement. "Um...so I told Chris about Ray's phone calls and letters."
JC's face fell. "You did? I thought we were keeping that between us."
"We were just...talking. It just came up. He's in the same boat as you, though. Caveman approach." Caitlin said with a hint of a smile.
"He comes near you, I beat the shit out of him." JC said darkly.
Caitlin nodded. "Yep, that caveman approach."
"I'm sorry." JC apologized. "I thought that was sort of private, but if you wanted Chris to know, that's fine. It's your business."
"Thanks for being so understanding." Caitlin said. In a way, JC's demeanor was making the whole conversation even harder. She had to tell him about last night, but in a way, she had prepared herself for a fight, not for understanding. But she knew JC's temper, and she was afraid of what would happen when he found out. She reached out and grabbed both his hands, willing them to give her strength. "JC, I need you to do something for me."
"Anything, sweetie." JC replied happily. "What's up?"
"No, I'm serious. I need to tell you some things, but I need you to swear you will not lose it. Stay with me--listen to me." Caitlin demanded. JC eyed her suspiciously, but nodded his consent. "Swear to me." She commanded.
"I swear I won't lose 'it'. Whatever that means." JC said.
Caitlin took in a breath and blew it out quickly. "Please understand how hard this is for me, but I think it's important for you to know. I want to be completely honest here."
"You're scaring me, Caitie. What's going on?" JC demanded hotly.
Caitlin whispered so softly, she barely heard herself. "Chris kissed me. Last night." JC sat motionless, waiting for her to elaborate. He could feel the blood pounding in his head, but he squeezed his eyes shut to maintain control, then focused on her again. "I promise, I didn't knowingly encourage him or anything. It just happened. We talked it out, and it's past both of us. But I wanted you to know." Caitlin breathed deeply. "God, that was hard."
JC focused on her eyes, and repeated slowly what she had said. "Chris kissed you." Caitlin nodded sadly. "My best friend and my girlfriend run off in the middle of the night, end up kissing, but everything is already all better?"
"JC, please." Caitlin pleaded.
"He kissed you." JC repeated again. "And you let him?" He asked nastily.
"I didn't let him, it just happened. He had feelings for me, I didn't return them, we talked it out, end of story." Caitlin said quickly. "I just wanted you to know. Maybe I shouldn't have told you."
"Any other secrets I should know about?" JC asked evilly.
Caitlin glared at him. "I'm trying to be honest, and you're ripping me apart for something beyond my control. Get a grip, JC."
"Get a grip." JC echoed. "Sure, yeah, fine. No problem. If you guys patched it up, then I guess everything is hunky-dory. I shouldn't worry about your midnight capers or your finishing each other's sentences. Because everything is fine." He said, his voice filled with sarcasm.
Caitlin shook her head. "I'm trying to tell you…"
"And I suppose you guys are still the best of friends, right? No big deal that he wants to fuck you blue?" JC spat out.
Caitlin's own grip on her temper snapped. "He does not want to 'fuck me blue', asshole. He was trying to be honest and sort out his own goddamn feelings, something that maybe you should do before you tear me apart. Yes, the friendship between Chris and I will continue, but if you treat me this way, the one between us is over." JC and Caitlin glared at each other a moment, before JC spoke again.
"Well, at least this jealousy I've been feeling for the last few weeks was justified, rather than me being paranoid." JC added. "Thanks for making it all better, sweetie." He added nastily.
"You have no reason to be jealous. It's over." Caitlin said. "Chris and I are past it, and I wanted to be honest with you. Let's move on."
"I don't think it's that easy for me, Caitlin." JC replied. "I don't think you understand how this feels for me. I think I need to get some air." He added, standing up hurriedly and throwing some money on the table from his pocket. "Here, have some breakfast at my expense. Everything else seems to be." JC strode from the room, slamming into the door and letting it swing shut with a crash. Caitlin winced at the sound, then grabbed a few dollars from her own pocket, left it on the table and wadded up the $20 bill JC had left.
"So much for not losing it." She muttered to herself.
She was leaving. She didn't care how long she had to wait at the airport for a flight home, she was leaving. The last thing she needed was JC's wrath, Chris' guilt, or her own upset feelings churning in her stomach. She was going to go home to Orlando, let JC cool off, let him and Chris fight, whatever, and they could talk in a few days. But she couldn't stay here. Not with the way JC's temper was running. She ran upstairs and hurriedly packed her bag-before JC returned. She tossed the crumpled $20 bill on the bed, and with barely a backwards glance, closed the door behind her. Spying House in the hall, she walked up to him, adjusting her shoulder bag.
"House, will you be so kind as to let Mr. Chasez know that I've departed for a while?" Caitlin said, her own anger getting the better of her. House nodded and looked at her curiously, but Caitlin barely noticed. Walking towards the elevator, she breathed a sigh of relief when it opened, blissfully empty. She hopped on, rode down several floors, walked through the lobby and out to the cabstand.
They would work things out, but right now, she needed space. And apparently, so did JC. Caitlin knew that right now JC was hunting down Chris, and for once, she was glad she wouldn't be anywhere near either one of them.