[chapter sixteen]
Disclaimer: If you've heard of them, I don't own them. Everything else is mine, so no stealing, pretty please. ;-)
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~Jimmie's POV~
"Trying to get rid of me, Johnson?" She says lightly, but I can see the hurt in her eyes.
Damn, I didn't mean it to come out like that.
But I want to know. Why is she still in this dead end job when she could be back at school studying what she loves? Becoming what I know she can become? Especially now that her scholarship has been reoffered, once the school heard about her mother?
I mean, if it's the money … if she would just stop being pigheaded, I would cover everything here. I want to. And she knows that.
But her pride … I wish she understood it's not charity or pity.
It's because I love her, dammit.
"No, I didn't mean it like that. But seriously, Shea. What are you doing?"
"I'm working at my job, I'm paying my bills and I'm being with you." She says levelly, watching my eyes for reaction. "What are you doing?"
"I'm … " I start to speak, but close my mouth abruptly. I can't tell her my thoughts. Not now.
"I'm happy here, Jimmie. As long as I've got you, I'm happy here. Okay?" She says sincerely. "I'll figure out a new job one of these days, but for now, I'm okay where I am. Because of you."
"But … "
"I'm happy." She says definitively.
I can't let her do this. I can't let her throw her life away on me. I can't let her opportunity slip away.
"I'm … "
This is the hardest thing I've ever done.
"I'm not."
"What?" She asks, her eyes clouding over. "Not what?"
"I'm not happy." I choke out, trying to sound serious.
"I … I thought … "
I shrug, not trusting myself to speak.
"Don't you love me, Jimmie? Don't you?" She begs, looking at me with those beautiful eyes I fell for a thousand years ago.
"I care a lot about you, Shea."
"That's not what I asked." She says, her voice cold, hard.
"No. I don't love you, Shea. I'm sorry."
"Oh." She says quietly, sliding away from me and standing up. "Oh." She says again, turning away from me and it's all I can do not to beg her to stay.
But I have to let her go. She needs to go. And as long as I'm here, I know she'll sacrifice herself for me.
And I won't allow it.
And without another word, she's out the door and out of my life.
And it's only then that I feel the tears streaming down my cheeks.