[chapter thirteen]

(Two evenings later)

Caitlin was in her bathroom brushing her hair when she heard the doorbell ring. JC was coming over to spend some time with Caitlin, and she couldn't wait. Work had been a drag the last few days--a combination of a slow week on the reference desk and the fact that she had barely seen or talked to JC. She didn't like how attached she become to him, but then again...she did like it.

"Can somebody grab that?" Caitlin yelled from the bathroom.

"Got it!" Alex responded. He opened the door and admitted JC. After exchanging pleasantries, Alex directed JC up to Caitlin's room. JC walked up the stairs and into Caitlin's room. He stood for a moment, soaking in the décor of the room. Caitlin had done everything in white, with blue accents. He noted the fluffy duvet on the bed and the pillows everywhere. He smiled at the mountain of CDs by her stereo, which was currently playing Pink Floyd's Pulse album. On her dresser, Caitlin had a number of framed photos, and he paid particular attention to an older picture with a couple posed in it. The woman looked strikingly like Caitlin, and he assumed these must be her parents. Looking to his left, he saw the door to Caitlin's bathroom, so he strolled over with a smile.

Caitlin smiled into the mirror at JC. "Hey you." She said softly.

"Hey. How are you?" JC asked, wrapping his arms around Caitlin and gazing at her in the mirror.

"Good. You?" Caitlin asked, her heart beating faster at JC's closeness.

"Better now." JC sighed softly. "We had kind of a crappy day in the studio."

"What happened?" Caitlin asked, turning in his arms to give him a real hug and kiss on the cheek.

"Oh, typical stuff. Justin blew a gasket because he couldn't hit a certain part of a new song, and Chris wouldn't concentrate, and Lance's cell phone kept ringingtypical stuff, just frustrating." JC responded.

"Well, it's in the past now. Smile, it's a happy day!" Caitlin said with a cheesy grin.

"Yes, it is now. Ready to go?" JC asked.

"Sure, just give me a second." Caitlin moved around her room, shutting off the stereo, turning off lights, and grabbing her wallet. "Ready when you are."

"Um. I have a favor. Is there any way you can drive tonight? My jeep decided to die this morning at the CompoundI think the battery is bad. Anyhow, Lonnie brought me over here, and unless you want him to chauffeur us around, I thought maybe you could drive?" JC asked, blushing.

"No problem. Seriously." Caitlin said.

JC followed Caitlin down the steps and into the garage. He started to walk to the passenger door of the Honda Accord parked near the door to the garage when Caitlin stopped him with her voice. "Hey, where are you going?" She asked.

JC looked over and saw Caitlin opening the driver door to a black Chevy Blazer. "That's yours?" He asked incredulously.

"You think I would drive that thing? It's only a 4 cylinder, and looks like something a sensible 50 year old would drive. I like my big, mean, fast V-8 Blazer much better." Caitlin replied with a touch of sass.

JC nodded appreciatively. "Point taken."

After strapping in and opening the garage door, Caitlin turned the key and the Blazer speakers immediately starting blaring very loud music. Caitlin blushed and quickly turned the volume down, but not before JC started laughing--Caitlin's CD player was belting out "Digital Getdown".

"Nice CD choice." JC teased.

"I love that song. And I love loud music, in case you hadn't figured it out yet." Caitlin said. "My question is...what was the inspiration for that song? Personal experience, maybe??" Caitlin teased.

"Actually, it was three 23 year old guys trying to amuse themselves while surfing the internet that started the genesis of that song idea." JC said seriously.

"Surfing for porn, huh?" Caitlin retorted.

JC blushed. "So, uh, you ready to go?"

Caitlin laughed and shifted the car into reverse and pulled out into the street. Giving Lonnie a smile and a wave, she shifted the car into first gear and took off down the street. "You still have to teach me how to drive a stick shift sometime." JC said.

"You got it! I want it! I'll do..." Caitlin trailed off after singing several lines to JC's amusement. "After dinner, maybe?" Caitlin said.

"Sounds good." JC said. "Where do you want to go eat?"

JC and Caitlin argued teasingly about restaurants until they decided to try a Thai restaurant on the other side of town. The food was fantastic, and the conversation flowed easily throughout the meal. They traded stories from their childhood and then talked about things that had been happening in the last few days. Eventually, they paid the bill and headed for the parking lot. "Dessert?" JC asked.

"Ice cream?" Caitlin answered.

"How did you know??" JC asked.

"I saw your Rosie appearance on TV the other day. You mentioned an ice cream fetish so..." Caitlin trailed off with a wink.

"Always trying to get information on me, aren't you?" JC teased.

"It's what librarians do." Caitlin smiled. "Come on, there must be a Ben and Jerry's around here some where."

Two waffle cones of Chubby Hubby later, JC and Caitlin walked hand in hand back to the car. The night was clear and stars were shining everywhere. The temperature was perfect, and a light breeze blew Caitlin's hair from her face. She turned to JC and commented, "What a perfect night. So, want to learn how to drive a stick shift now?"

"Sure. But...what if I tear up your transmission?" JC asked skeptically.

"Don't worry about it. We need a big parking lot or something." Caitlin said.

"There's a golf course near here that has an enormous parking lot, and no one should be there." JC replied.

"Sounds great! Come on, 'fraidy cat!" Caitlin teased. A few minutes later, Caitlin pulled into the parking lot and killed the ignition. "Ok, trade places." She commanded.

JC and Caitlin hopped out and ran around the car in 'Chinese Fire Drill' fashion, then jumped into the opposite seat. JC shifted the driver's seat a little to accommodate his legs. "You have long legs, how the hell do you sit so close to the pedals??" He asked.

"I like being really close to the pedals and wheel--just like a race car driver!" Caitlin said. "Ok, let's talk basics. Here's the stick shift, and it's a standard H. Push the pedal on the right all the way to the floor with your left foot. Now, grab the shifter." Caitlin placed her hand over his on the shifter and started to shift through the gears. "Here's first, second"

After a crash course in manual transmissions, JC reluctantly started the car, and after several failed attempts, managed to get the Blazer rolling in first gear. Caitlin made him stop the car about 15 times, and start from first gear each time, but he slowly picked it up. After mastering first gear, JC worked on shifting through the other lower gears as he circled the parking lot, Caitlin cheering him on. About 30 minutes later, he felt comfortable with the car and the gears. He decided to try one last first gear start, and promptly stalled the car. Caitlin burst out laughing, as did JC. "Getting cocky, huh?" Caitlin teased.

"So much for that!" JC laughed. "Ok, enough of this stick shift stuff. Wanna get out and walk a little?" He asked. "I think I need to get away from the car for a minute or two!"

"Sounds great." Caitlin agreed, hopping out of the passenger side.

JC walked around the Blazer and took Caitlin's hand. They set off across the golf course, walking across fairways and greens. The moonlight actually lit the course fairly well so they could see where they were going. "Oh, it's like going to the beach!" Caitlin exclaimed as they came across an enormous sand trap.

"Feel like playing on the beach?" JC asked.

"Sure!" JC and Caitlin dove in and immediately tried to make sand castles, 'sand angels' and generally act like 5 year olds going to the beach for the first time. At one point, a sand fight broke out which culminated in JC picking Caitlin up and unceremoniously dumping her in a huge pile in the sand trap. Laughing together, they finally dusted themselves off and left the trap to walk along the fairway.

"It's so quiet out here. You'd never guess we were still near Orlando." Caitlin remarked as they walked up onto a nearby green.

"I hear you. I love finding places like this. Makes me feel invisible. And it's comforting to believe that fans won't find me here. They seem to find me almost everywhere else." JC said, sitting down on the front of the green and looking back down the fairway.

Caitlin sat down close beside him and laid her head on his shoulder. "I imagine you need as many escapes as you can get. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you, especially on tour. I mean, not even being able to leave your hotel room because of the mob outside..." Caitlin trailed off.

JC just nodded his head sadly.

"I guess I don't understand because these last few weeks have been so surreal. You've seemed like, I don't know, just a normal guy. Well, a normal guy who happens to have a big burly guy in a van following him around, but aside from that..." Caitlin said.

JC laughed softly. "I told Lonnie to try and blend in more." He muttered.

Caitlin laughed with him. "Seriously, I keep waiting for the horde of young girls with cameras to come tearing around a corner at any second, or for you to leave Orlando for months at a time. But that hasn't happened yet." She continued.

"At least with the holidays coming up we have a break from everything, now that most of our upcoming appearances are taped. Plus, we are working on the new album, so that keeps us local. But eventually, we'll leave again." JC said heavily. "And the fans never stay away for long, bless their hearts."

Caitlin sighed. "Well, either way, I'm glad I've gotten to know you without the paparazzi or without you disappearing for tapings for more than a few days."

"Me too." JC said huskily. He turned to face Caitlin and tilted her head so she was looking into his eyes. "You are the best person I've met in a long time. And I'm hoping to keep you around for a while, if you don't mind."

"Surrendering to my feminine wiles, huh?" Caitlin said with a teasing glint in her eye.

"Once I hear your terms..." JC said as he lowered his mouth to her lips. JC's arms wound around Caitlin's body and he pulled her closer. Caitlin twined her fingers into JC's hair and moaned softly as JC began kissing her neck, then tracing his way up to her earlobe. After a few seconds of teasing her ear, JC's lips made contact with hers again, and the deepened and lasted for what felt like hours to Caitlin. Her head was spinning, and all she could think of was what JC's lips felt like, the smell of his cologne, and the rapidity of his breath.

After several more minutes of kissing and cuddling, JC pulled away and looked deep into Caitlin's eyes.

"What?" She asked softly, brushing her hair off her face.

"It's just...well, I..." JC stuttered.

"What, JC?" She prodded.

"Well, I know this is a stupid time to bring it up, but...well, considering how badly I want to lay you down and make a woman out of you..." JC started, trying to lighten the moment.

Caitlin laughed. "You think you're the man to do it, huh?" She answered.

JC grinned his reply. "Ok, seriously. When we came over to your place a few days ago, your roommates and I got to talking and..."

"Oh no. What did those meatheads tell you now?" Caitlin said.

"Nothing, just, well, they hinted that maybe you hadn't told me the whole truth." JC said, his eyes lowering to his wrist, where he nervously twisted his bracelets.

"The whole truth?" Caitlin asked, puzzled.

"About...about your ex-boyfriend." JC said.

Caitlin swept a hand over her face and rubbed her features. "Leave it to them." She muttered. "JC, we were having a nice, lighthearted evening, and now..."

"Ok, let me lay it out for you. I like you, Caitlin. A lot. And I like spending time with you, and kissing you and everything else. But I get the feeling you are holding back on me, and I don't know why. I keep thinking about the night we went dancing, and how scared you looked when things started going somewhere. I don't ever want you to look like that again. So I asked you why, and you told me this ex-boyfriend was a big meanie. I understood that, and I've been patient with you, because I could tell you were still recovering from that. But now I get this vibe from your roommates that there's more, and I can't help feeling hurt that you haven't been honest with me. Have you?" JC said in a rush.

"Not...not entirely." Caitlin said, her face down.

"How about being honest with me now?" JC asked quietly. "I'm not trying to pressure you, I just..." JC started.

"I know." Caitlin interrupted. "You've been more than fair, so now it's my turn to be fair. So here goes..."

Caitlin took a deep breath to calm her nerves, and to give her a moment to collect her thoughts. She wanted to be honest and open with JC, but actually telling him all the gory details--that was the hard part.

"I met Ray through Alex, Scout and Jon. He was also in the navy, and was stationed near my school in Michigan. They stayed on the base when they came to visit, and met him. Eventually, he and I were introduced and we hit it off. We continued to see each other, even after Alex and the guys had returned to Florida. Eventually, we started dating, and I was totally infatuated with him. I thought about him all the time, wanted to spend all my free time with him...you get the idea."

JC nodded, and, grasping Caitlin's hand in his own, he turned a little more so he could face her. "Ok..." He prompted.

"So, Ray and I were together for a while. He was always really nice to me, but he had an awful temper, but then, so did I. We would argue about all kinds of silly things, but the making up part, well, that was worth it. We never slept together, because I just didn't feel like I was ready, and I still had the morality lesson in mind about saving myself for marriage."

Caitlin paused for a moment, then continued.

"Ray was always pretty understanding about that, so that was cool. The more and more we were together, the more he started to 'brainwash' me, I guess is the best way to describe it. I started devoting all my time and energy to him, trying to make him happy. Typical Donna Reed stuff. In retrospect, I wonder what the hell he did that made me want to do those things, but I did. I think what it came down to was the fact that he was the first guy I'd ever 'loved', or so I thought, and I wanted us to be happy and spend our lives together. So girly..."

Caitlin shook her head in disgust, and then continued.

"Anyhow, to make this rather dull and long story a bit shorter, I did everything for him, and in return he didn't treat me very well. He started to yell at me more, demand more, even try to pressure me more to sleep with him. Anyhow, one day, he came over to my place, and we started fighting about something stupid. I don't even remember what it was now. He didn't like the way the conversation was going, I guess, because he hit me."

JC gasped slightly, and tightened his grip on Caitlin's hand.

"I did the typical denial thing--he didn't mean to, I can change him, I deserve it--all the usual bullshit. And of course, he apologized profusely. He hit me almost every day after that for months. But he always apologized, and deep down, I wondered if I deserved it. Normally, he was the perfect guy, and I so wanted things to work with him that I talked myself into believing I deserved to get the hell beat out of me everyday. Then, one day it all changed."

Caitlin paused for a moment to slow her ragged breath. "Here comes the hardest part," she thought to herself.

"Ray came over to my place one day, outraged. He had heard a rumor that I was seeing someone else. I found out later, one of his navy friends had seen me at lunch with one of my best friends--a guy by the name of Jason, who happens to be gay. And I mean, blatantly gay. Well, the friend didn't see that so he ran to Ray and reported on what he had seen. So Ray stormed into my place, threw me against a wall and started hitting me. Then he decided that wasn't enough so he pinned me against the wall and started groping me and ripping at my clothes. I think I was just in shock. I didn't even react at first. Finally, he gave me a fist to the eye and I fell to the floor. Next thing I know, he's on top of me and he...he raped me." Caitlin finished in a whisper.

Caitlin couldn't look at JC--she knew if she did, she would never finish the story. So she continued, looking out over the fairway in front of them.

"After it was over, he just left. Just stormed out. I vaguely remember getting up and crawling into the shower. I realize now you should never do that if you are a rape survivor, so they can collect 'proof', but the only thing I could think of was getting as clean as I could. I must have sat in that shower for hours. My eye almost swelled shut, I had bruises all over me, and I felt like I wanted to die. After sitting in a stupor for what felt like days, I finally pulled myself together. I realized that before Ray, I never knew my self worth. I never really understood that I did NOT deserve to be hit or raped. I do now. Over time, the bruises healed and I started to pull my life back together. I swear the hardest day of my life was telling Alex, Scout and Jon what had happened, but you know, they were great. Total rocks. I don't think I would have survived without them. Anyhow, I finished up my degree and left Michigan for Orlando. I wanted a change of locale, a change of pace, and a chance to get away from Ray and all those memories. He's called a bunch of times, but I just don't talk to him. He says he wants me back, but I just refuse to listen. I would never be with him, or someone like him, again."

Caitlin sighed, and then started speaking again.

"I apologize again for what happened the night we went dancing. I just...I just looked in your eyes and saw such intensity, and got spooked. Plus, being pinned against the wall when I wasn't expecting it, and everything, and...well, you're the first guy I've been close to since Ray, so that makes it tough as well. But...I want things to be good between us, and I'm sorry I wasn't totally honest before, but I didn't want to scare you off into thinking I was a basket case, because I like you so much...but I'll understand if you want to break things off, just..."

Caitlin's babbling trailed off as JC turned and pulled her into a tight hug. She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his shoulder. She finally felt the tears start to flow from her eyes, and this time did nothing to fight them. Moments later, she felt JC's body shaking, and she pulled back to look at him. JC had tears streaming down his face, and he didn't speak. He just pulled her close again in another hug, and they slowly rocked back and forth.

chapter fourteen