[chapter nineteen]

Caitlin looked directly into JC's eyes, and when he dropped his eyes down to the ground, she knew. JC had told the other four her secret. The secret that almost cost her a stable relationship with him. The secret that was so hard for her to admit, much less tell anyone else. It's not that she didn't like and trust Chris, Justin, Joey and Lance, but for JC to tell them without asking her

"I'm...I'm sorry Caitlin. I didn't mean to spill it." Justin stammered. "It's just... I know we don't know you that well, but we all feel a little protective of you, and I wouldn't want you to see him again."

Caitlin tore her eyes away from JC and focused on Justin. "Thank you Justin. I appreciate that. And I'm not mad at you." She said. "JC, may I have a word with you? In private?" She asked quietly.

JC nodded. "Uh, guys. We're going to take a walk." He said, standing up.

"Caitlin..." Lance started.

Caitlin held up her hand. "It's ok. I just need a minute with Mr. Chasez. I'll talk to you in a little while." She gave them a small smile, and then followed JC out the studio door and into the hallway.

"Caitie..." JC began. Again, Caitlin held up her hand. She began walking down the hallway.

"Give me a minute. Is there somewhere private we can go?" Caitlin asked.

"Sure. There's a conference room at the end of the hall." JC said quietly, leading the way. When he reached the door, he opened it and poked his head inside to make sure it was empty. He opened the door wider and held it open for Caitlin. She strode purposefully through the door, and then whirled around to face him. JC shut the door behind him, then, steeling himself, turned to look at Caitlin directly.

"How could you?" Was all Caitlin could utter. "How could you tell them without asking me first? Do you have any idea how embarrassed I am right now? I can't even imagine what they must think of me now. I'm so humiliated. How could you?" She repeated.

JC walked towards her, but Caitlin took a step back. JC stopped abruptly and looked at her. Caitlin set her stance, crossed her arms across her chest, and put on a stern expression. "I don't know what to say." JC said softly. Caitlin merely waited for him to continue.

JC sighed then walked over to pull out one of the conference chairs. He sat down heavily and ran his hand through his hair. "First off, I'm sorry. I know it wasn't my place to tell them. The thing of it is..." JC paused. "The thing of it is, I was confused. They knew something was bothering me. I've always been the kind of person to get stuff in the open when it's bothering me, rather than bottling it up."

"What were you confused about?" Caitlin asked.

"About us. About you. About the way I should treat you. Once I knew what you'd been through, I didn't want to hurt you or scare you again. But I didn't want to treat you like a porcelain doll either. I didn't know what to do, and since the guys advise me on everything else, I thought they could help me through this too." JC said.

"At any point did it dawn on you that maybe I didn't want them to know?" Caitlin asked.

"Yes." JC said quietly. "But it seemed like I'd told them even before I'd realized it. You have no reason to be embarrassed or humiliated. They were shocked and horrified that someone could treat you that way. But more than that, they became protective of you. They want you safe and happy, and so do I." JC paused. "Which is why I was trying to figure out where you and I go from here."

"Normal people would probably ask the other person in the relationship." Caitlin said sarcastically. She closed her eyes and sighed. "JC, it took a lot of courage for me to tell you about Ray. Dealing with him, and the fallout of my relationship with him has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. But trying to learn to trust guys again... that's been even harder. And by telling the others about my past, all you did was betray that trust. Do you see why I'm so upset?" Caitlin asked.

JC nodded slowly. "I understand. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry a million times over. There is no excuse for this." He sighed. "I've fallen for you, you know?"

Caitlin raised her head and looked at him. "What?" She asked questioningly.

"I've fallen for you. I haven't felt this way about someone in a long time. And all I want right now is to treat you the way you deserve. To be the kind of guy you'd always feel safe with, and always trust. When you told me about Ray, I was floored. I didn't know what to say or how to act. Talking to the guys made me feel better, but obviously wasn't good for you, and may have be detrimental to our relationship. But all I really want...all I really want is you. Is us. Is where we seemed to be heading before I turned into an idiot and spilled a confidence you had entrusted to me."

"Definitely the bonehead play of the day." Caitlin said with a small smile.

JC looked up, hope glowing from his eyes. "Well, you're still talking to me, and even making fun of me. That's a good sign." His gaze became serious, and he looked Caitlin in the eye. "What now?"

"Now I get to be mad at you for a while, you have to totally suck up to get back in my good graces, and you have to promise to have the guys treat me normally. Not pussyfoot around me and act like I'm some fragile creature. In fact, that goes for you too. I may freak out occasionally, but I promise...you'll never hurt me like he did. You can't. First, you aren't capable of it. Second, I simply won't allow it." Caitlin paused and took a breath. "Is it a deal?"

"It's a deal." JC smiled. "Again...I'm sorry Caitlin. Truly, deeply sorry." He paused. "So we're ok?"

"We're ok." Caitlin replied. She slowly walked over to where JC was sitting, and, pushing his chair away from the table slightly, sat down on his lap. Wrapping her arms around him, she enveloped JC in a deep hug. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer. Caitlin clung to JC as though she was never letting go, and he sat, slowing rocking her while lightly stroking her hair. "You know, if I didn't like you so damn much, I never would have let you off the hook so easily." Caitlin mumbled into his shoulder. "Why do I like you so much?"

"Because I plan to be the guy you've always deserved. Forever." JC replied simply.

...

After about ten minutes of making up, JC and Caitlin slowly walked back towards the studio, holding hands. "Poor Justin, he looked so guilty after he spilled it." Caitlin said with a small smile.

"He never knows when to keep his mouth shut. He is so protective of his friends, and especially of girls. He couldn't believe they way Ray treated you. Actually, none of them could." JC said. "Even though you all don't know each other that well, they really do like you."

"I really like them too. I feel like I've known them for years, you know?" Caitlin replied. "I really hope they don't think less of me for letting Ray do that to me. Or that they're going to treat me differently." She added.

JC spun her towards him. "First off, you didn't 'let' Ray do anything. He forced you, Caitlin. There was no 'letting'. And second, they won't treat you differently, except maybe to look out for you a little more. That's all." JC said.

Caitlin nodded. "Shall we go give them the all-clear?" She asked with a smile. "Or should we torture them and make it look like we had some elaborate break-up scene?"

JC laughed. "You are evil." He gripped her hand tighter. "I'm in favor of the all-clear, myself."

"You're no fun." Caitlin replied as JC held the door to the studio open for her. "Makes me wonder... is this choir boy image of yours for real, or is it all an elaborate cover-up to your crackwhore, boozing, women-chasing side?" Caitlin asked.

JC looked up at the ceiling and guffawed. "Busted." He managed to say between laughs.

"Hi guys." Caitlin said with a smile to the other four, who appeared not to have moved an inch since they left the room.

"Hi." They chorused, desperately trying to determine if JC and Caitlin were still on good terms, or if she had kicked him to the curb. "So..." Joey ventured.

"So...how bout those Packers?" Caitlin said, prolonging the confirmation.

Justin growled slightly. "Are you guys...ok?" He asked.

JC broke into a teasing grin. "Caitlin has never been ok."

"You're the crackwhore, not me." She threw back. "The internet is a fount of information, you know?"

"Wench."

"Doofus."

"Meanie."

Caitlin gripped her heart is mock agony. "Oh that was harsh."

JC pulled Caitlin into a tight hug and kissed the crown of her head. "Yes, guys. We're ok. Unless Caitlin castrates me in my sleep tonight or something."

"I'm sleeping alone tonight, thank you very much. You still have penance to do." Caitlin said.

"Oh, now THAT was harsh." JC said with a grin.

The others broke into laugher at their banter, and the tension in the room dissipated in moments. The guys stood and prepared to leave the studio for the evening. Light-hearted discussion took over as the six of them turned off lights, closed doors and headed towards the elevators. They all called goodnight to Julie as they walked through the front lobby and out into the night. "So Caitlin, we'll see you around soon, right?" Lance asked. "You still owe me a lesson on using the internet."

"Anytime." She smiled. "What is your schedule like for the next few days?" She asked.

"After the Billboards, we're open for a while. We'll have to get together soon." Lance replied.

"Sounds great. Goodnight guys." Caitlin replied. She received hugs from Joey and Lance, a punch in the arm from Chris, and a longer hug from Justin.

"I'm sorry again, Caitlin." He said softly.

"Don't be." She said simply. "It's forgotten."

Waving to them as she walked towards her car, she smiled at JC. "You have pretty nice guys for band mates, you know?"

"I know. I'm lucky." JC said. "So, we're going to be leaving for the awards show tomorrow night, but we should be back in a few days. I was hoping to take you out for your birthday." He said.

"I'd like that." Caitlin said shyly. "Call me when you get back in town." She said, trying not to sound clingy, even though she would give anything for JC to stay in town for the next few days...hell, for the next few years. But she knew that life for *Nsync was about touring and appearances. She understood, but that didn't make it much easier.

"I'll call you." He whispered, leaning in to brush her lips with his. "Goodnight."

"Oh, you aren't leaving me with that." She said teasingly.

He smiled in return, and then bent down again to deliver a real kiss. Their lips pressed together insistently and they wrapped their arms around each other. "I'll miss you." Caitlin said after their lips broke apart.

"I'll miss you too. Talk to you in a few days." JC replied.

"Be careful. Have a safe trip." Caitlin said, climbing into her car. JC winked and smiled, then dropped one last kiss onto her forehead before closing the car door. With a wave, she drove off, consumed with thoughts of JC.

chapter twenty